NVR stands for Non-Violent Resistance, it’s an approach with its roots in the civil rights movement which has been developed to address children’s violent or self-destructive behaviours. NVR has gained in recognition and popularity due to the realization by many parents and professionals that, for children who find it hard to be supervised or guided by adults, reward and punishment approaches can lead to escalations in violence. Furthermore, in the face of violent or destructive behaviours, most parents do not want to be drawn into responding violently themselves yet find that trying to use words to reason with their child is also ineffective. NVR offers a chance to address these behaviours whilst also conveying love to their child. I consider NVR to be a philosophy as much as a therapeutic approach but that is not to say that it doesn’t also include some very practical, action-oriented ideas for parents to use in their homes.
Sessions are with parents only and the advantage of this is that the approach does not need the child or young person to want to address their behaviour for work to commence. Work might begin with an in-depth exploration of escalation patterns within the home and also how ‘present’ the adults are to their child. In NVR, presence refers not only to parents’ physical availability but also their presence in their child’s mind. Most of us seek to instil certain values, beliefs and morals into our children by teaching them what is right and wrong and how to behave appropriately. When there is a high level of violence or aggression in the family home, parental presence can be lost meaning our influence is not strong enough to help our children behave appropriately.
The therapist will work with parents to identify the people around them who might be able to offer support to take a stand against the violence. Supporters can be family members, friends, neighbours and professionals and can have a range of roles including being available to brothers or sisters who are victims or witnesses to violence, visiting the family when things get out of hand, contacting the young person to offer support, or just being a listening ear to parent’s experiences, helping them maintain their non-violent stance when things get difficult. As part of this process, the therapist might convene a ‘supporters meeting’ and will also arrange to meet with any siblings to hear about their experiences.
The therapist might take some time to explore parents’ beliefs about violence, discipline, control, respect and authority, and will identify with them one or two behaviours that they are no longer prepared to tolerate. He or she will then help parents to draft an ‘announcement’ which is a written statement that is read to the child, letting him or her know that parents are committed to taking a new approach in addressing their violent or self-destructive behaviour. During sessions, parents will have the opportunity to practice reading the announcement and having it read to them, imagining how their child might feel. Once they are happy that both the content and style of delivery is non-escalatory, parents are encouraged to read the announcement to their child and give them a copy to keep.
Another key part of sessions is the identification of reconciliation gestures which are ways that parents can convey their love and respect for their child, increasing the likelihood of more positive interactions between them. A reconciliation gesture is not a reward and they are not given in response to ‘good’ behaviour. Similarly, they are not withheld in response to violence or aggression. Ideally, reconciliation gestures should be individually tailored to the child’s hidden needs and can include buying a favourite snack or treat, leaving a brief, loving note in their room or school bag, fixing something they have broken or cooking their favourite meal. Parents are given support to develop these gestures and also psychologically prepared for the gesture to be ignored or rejected!
There are additional strategies or ideas that can be taught to parents depending upon the specific challenges they are facing but once the key principles described above have been covered, the therapist will continue to meet with parents to help them maintain their resistance to violence and persist in responding to their child or young person in a way which reflects their love, commitment and principles.
What kind of changes to you aim to achieve with NVR for adopted and fostered children?
NVR seeks to bring about changes in the parent-child relationship such that there is a reduction in violent or destructive behaviours. Whilst there may be specific goals (e.g. ‘to stop hitting your sister’), the approach can also bring about change at a deeper level, for example, a shift in the child or young person’s inner world such that beliefs about the acceptability of violence begin to change. Other changes might be the young person feeling more able to compromise and finding that, due to the persistent non-violent stance of his or her parents, reacting violently or oppressively towards family members becomes literally impossible. Change is also sought for parents or carers – reduced isolation, the development of greater confidence, and an improvement in the ability to connect with empathic feelings for their child.
As a relatively new approach, the evidence base for NVR is in its infancy and I am not aware of any specific research that looks at NVR for fostered and adopted children. However, it is an approach which is frequently used amongst multi-stressed families and those with trauma histories and research suggests that NVR can reduce aggressive behaviour and ‘power struggles’ and increase parental supervision and confidence (Weinblatt & Omer, 2008; Lavi-Levavi, 2010).
How does NVR work for adopted and fostered children?
NVR has not been developed specifically with adopted and fostered children in mind but seems to be generating increasing interest amongst adopters, fosterers and professionals due to the frequency of violent or destructive behaviour amongst this group and an appreciation that traditional behavioural approaches can be counter-productive. There is a recognition that many children who have suffered abuse have a great many unmet psychological needs and there have been moves to develop a more child-focused way of using NVR to address this. For example, Jakob (2013) talks about holding in mind the child’s unmet needs for safety and protection, support in meeting developmental challenges, a sense of belonging, and a coherent and tolerable narrative of family and self when working with fostered and adopted children.
Haim Omer, one of the leading figures in NVR, has made explicit links between NVR and attachment theory, talking about parental presence as an ‘anchoring function’ with a similar theoretical underpinning as the ‘secure base’ we are familiar with from attachment theory (Omer, 2013). Parents and carers of adopted or fostered children can feel blamed for their child’s violence which undermines their confidence and reduces their parental presence. Rejection and hostility from young people can lead to a breaking down of the caring dialogue (Jakob 2013) and the child’s needs remaining unmet (Jakob, 2011).
NVR work with fosterer’s and adopters will therefore seek to explore the family’s existing resources and strengths and improve relationships with the wider family, and with professionals. If parents and carers can be supported to feel stronger, any hostility they felt towards their child can begin to diminish which opens up a space for empathy. There is a recognition in NVR that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible to focus on the child’s unmet needs whilst the parent or carer is in a trauma state themselves and some families might find it hard to implement approaches such as Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy until the frequency and intensity of aggression can be reduced.
What kind of training do NVR Practitioners have?
NVR practitioners can come from a range of professional backgrounds including Clinical Psychology, Systemic Family Therapy, Psychotherapy, Nursing and Social Work. To obtain a Certificate in Non Violent Resistance Therapy and Intervention, therapists must attend an 8-day training course plus two clinical supervision days. There is an expectation that these will be augmented by attendance at peer-supervision groups where ongoing work using NVR can be discussed with colleagues. In addition, practitioners must also read selected texts and papers, keep a reflective log of their NVR client work and submit three 2000-word case studies.
Why are you passionate about NVR for fostered and adopted children?
I was first introduced to NVR whilst working in a mainstream CAMHS service but found that many of the families being referred to me for NVR had a trauma background. Families often felt that they were at the end of the line having tried traditional behavioural parenting approaches and feeling ever more desperate and inadequate as they discovered these approaches didn’t work with their child.
Parenting a child who is violent is an extremely stressful, frightening and demoralising experience and it was clear that when parents were in this position, it was very hard for them to retain a sense of connection with their child. And yet when we explored what parents wanted from the approach, many of them talked about wanting to be a family again and to regain a sense of loving authority within their home.
For fostered and adopted children, it seems key to me that any approach to address violence and aggression (and it must be addressed), must do so in a way that strengthens family relationships rather than triggering defensive reactions that further weaken them. The principles of NVR share much with those of empathic and therapeutic parenting and the approach combines practical strategies and ideas for demoralised parents whilst also addressing the unmet needs of the child. Currently, it seems like an approach with a lot of potential for a difficulty which often leads to high levels of stress and anxiety for children, their parents and carers, and the professionals trying to support them.