The attachment system can operate a bit like a book, closing down due early traumatic experiences (i.e. abuse or neglect). This means compassion and affection from adoptive parents or carers can re-open the book (i.e. reactivate the attachment system) but at the place it was originally closed. So, if a child has closed their attachment system (i.e. their ‘book’) at a traumatic stage of their life because of emotional conflicts, neglect or abuse, reactivating the system will reignite these emotional memories. Re-opening this book can evoke strong feelings of shame, particularly if the child believes that they are unworthy of love and are fundamentally ‘bad’. This can therefore be a major block to developing attachment relationships and parents’ or carers’ attempts to build relationships can be avoided or seen as threatening.
Affection may also activate feelings of grief about not receiving affection and care from birth. There may also be fears that if affection and love are received and reciprocated, there is a risk that this rug could be pulled from underneath them, which is a scary prospect! The child or young person may feel torn between yearning for closeness and accepting relationships and a big fear that this could leave them vulnerable and at risk of abandonment and rejection. Past experiences have taught traumatised children that other people cannot be trusted or relied upon and therefore contact and connection can be terrifying.
Where does this leave the child?
So on one hand, we know that connection and relationships are the main things that help to regulate and calm down the threat system in our brains (the amygdala) but are also the things that give rise to anxiety and can feel threatening for traumatised children. They might avoid needing others, asking for help, have difficulty accepting praise, affection and love. They might also struggle to believe that parents possess nurturing qualities or that they themselves are worthy of love or care. Relationships become less of a ‘two-way street’ and they might believe that distancing and controlling others is the only safe way to relate. It may be difficult for children to trust in parents’ good intentions or their unconditional love.
Where does this leave the parents?
Similarly, it can be really difficult to feel like parenting is rewarding when faced with a lack of reciprocity and many barriers to connection, particularly if this is in conflict with the expectations and motivations for being an adoptive/foster parent (e.g. to give a child a loving home).
Remaining open and engaged in the relationship when parenting a child who is in threat/defensive mode and is unable to receive your efforts to care for and love them may be particularly tiring. It might feel like you’re being rejected, that you’re not a good enough parent. You may doubt your competence as a parent and it may even mean that the caregiving process becomes less enjoyable and rewarding, particularly if positive interactions happen less and less. Continued rejection from your child despite all your best efforts can place a large strain on you and your relationship, you might experience a range of emotions such as anger, sadness, resentment, hurt, frustration and despair. It becomes more strenuous to maintain a level of empathy in your responses to your child whilst working out what it is triggering for you (e.g. is this bringing back memories of previous rejections?). Parenting during these times can be emotionally draining and it is at these times where opportunities for self-care and support is needed most. It may be difficult to muster up the energy to engage with other people or activities, particularly when your window of tolerance is being pushed and pushed but finding ways to replenish your energy stores and having some time to remember your own strengths will allow you some breathing space. If you’re a novice at self-care or if it has been pushed further down the priority list, it might be helpful to take a few moments to read the PAFCA article written on self-care.
What can you do when your child rejects your love and affection?
Fundamentally, as human beings we are born with a primitive drive to seek out relationships. For some children (and adults) this can be harder than others and mistrust in infancy can influence our ‘blue-print’ or ‘template’ of relationships. If we have learnt not to trust or rely on adults as an infant or a child then we are likely to carry that message with us as we develop through life. The key is to help children experience relationships based on safety, trust and warmth which involves consistent care-giving, acceptance and empathy. When a child feels as though they are rejecting you, try and remember that it is not always a personal attack, but often an expression of the child’s traumatic re-enactment of their inner world.