Going on our annual summer holiday is a time we all look forward to. It’ll be a time when we have a break from the day to day routine, we’ll enjoy quality time with our nearest and dearest, we’ll try out new activities, foods and hopefully enjoy things not being quite the same as normal. It is often something we look forward to sharing with our children too. A time when we can be with them without the pressures of day-to-day tasks, jobs and school.
I have worked as a social worker supporting looked after children and their carers for over ten years and during this time have observed the annual family holiday to be often challenging for foster carers and adoptive parents. Those same things that many look forward to in order to recharge the batteries are also the source of real stress for children who are fostered and adopted. During a holiday life is not following its normal, predictable pattern and that can undermine their fragile sense of security. Many of these children have experienced neglect and abuse and are very vigilant about their environment. Changing that environment can create anxiety about whether or not their needs will be met.
In my experience as a social worker supporting these children’s placements some holidays are fantastic, a real break, some are mixed and some are a test of endurance for everyone. Carers have described to me that their child or young person suddenly resumes behaviours they had not seen for some time, like tantrums. This has been particularly difficult for the carer because firstly, they were not expecting it and, secondly they have been staying in holiday accommodation and found it difficult to implement the same strategies as they would at home and may feel self-conscious. Older children and teenagers have pushed boundaries or run off and this has caused anxiety about different cultural expectations and potential police involvement when abroad. Equally the common issue of children who like to hoard food and the danger of this being perceived as stealing can create issues. Some children have simply not been able to settle to any activity for any length of time making the experience exhausting for everyone, especially if this has included struggling to settle to sleep.
What about those behaviours that are already difficult to manage at home? How will that work out on holiday? This is worth thinking about and if you do have a child or young person in the family who needs their own space at home think about this when planning a holiday. Privacy, for example, is much harder to achieve in a tent than in a holiday home. Planning ahead and talking it through with any other adults going on holiday with you, so you know what strategies you are going to use to manage any sticky points, can help you be prepared for the unexpected.
Children who have experienced unpredictable lives and been surrounded by chaos can struggle to enjoy peace and quiet. They are still learning that quietly enjoying activities can be satisfying and restorative. Children learn from watching their caregivers so a quiet walk, an afternoon on the beach or a trip to a museum or place of interest, that we enjoy, is part of helping them learn the value. Whilst it may be tough to help a child settle into enjoying a holiday it is worth it and may need to be done in stages. Short breaks may be a good way to test out what it will be like for your family. Also a camp out in the back garden or days out are a good way of preparing children for what changes in routine can be like. Make sense of what type of activities work for your family; visits to museums and theme parks or more outdoors stuff with chance to run or paddle or climb to blow off some steam?
For many people the holidays of our childhood are a source of wonderful memories of fun and quality time with parents and this is an experience that we hope to pass onto our children. Helping children who have experienced trauma to enjoy a day at the beach, have an adventure sleeping in a tent, go on their first ‘plane journey and try out new foods can be an opportunity for their carers to meet their needs and build bonds. Learning to enjoy holidays is part of developing a secure base, trusting your carers to help you explore the world. It is also an opportunity for these children to develop interests and experience peacefulness. This is vital to helping them become resilient.
Holidays are full of emotional meaning and can be a reminder of memories of previously missing holidays (all too common for looked after young people where there may have been issues over passports) but equally can be a positive time to leave behind the everyday. For children who are struggling at school or feeling overwhelmed by the plans being made for them, a chance to get away from it all can be an opportunity to make new friendships without the baggage. I have supported families where the summer time and chances to get away from it all really have been an experience, for the child or young person, of really feeling part of the family and have success in friendships because they are away from the everyday reminders of their difficult lives. These successes can be built on later in reinforcing the child or young person’s positive sense of self.
So, when you are planning a holiday as a fostering or adoptive family try and think about the children and how they will experience it. Have they been on holiday before? What meanings do holidays have for them? How long will you all be able to enjoy being away for? How far from home are you ready to venture? If you are travelling abroad what might you need to explain about the country you are visiting?
Also, a note of caution, remember that a child’s legal status can affect the plans you can make and, if they have a social worker, do discuss your plans at an early stage with them so they can guide you about any legal implications.
Charlotte Jenkins is an Independent Social Worker, specialising in fostering and permanence and working in the Midlands of England.