In this piece I wanted to think about the importance of your self-care. “My self-care!” I hear you cry! I’m guessing that between trying to parent the traumatised children in your care, managing the house, your other children, wider family and everything else you have to do, time to look after you must seem a feint possibility, ending up further and further down the list of things to do. An account that I am sure many of you will identify with. Sally’s book “No Matter What” (see Reading List) is great for this too.
Adopting or becoming a foster carer for traumatised children and young people can be a hugely rewarding but very isolating experience. Many of the families I have worked with have spoken about their social circle shrinking after they started caring for their children. Seemingly because others struggle to understand. They might see the children in your care as ‘naughty’ or of needing ‘consequences’ to change their behaviour, with little understanding of the young people’s early experiences and how those experiences have come to shape their relationships, their view of the world and how they see themselves.
Although I know it can be so difficult to find the time, taking some time to care for yourself can allow you to be an even more present, empathic and nurturing parent/carer to your child.
Sharing experiences with others
Opportunities to get together with other carers and adopters can be really helpful in reminding yourself that you are not alone in the things you are experiencing. For example, Adoption UK run local support groups, coffee mornings etc. where adopters and prospective adopters can share their experiences. You may even meet other like-minded people that you can meet up with outside of these formal groups. Adoption UK also run an active Adopters Voice forum where people can support one another and get your opinions heard.
Social Media
There is a great community on Twitter now that includes both information and advice regarding Fostering and Adoption and caring for developmentally traumatised children. For example, @TheOpenNest, @sallydwrites, @HThornbery, @afteradoption, @janeparenting2, @ThePOTATOgroup, @theyellowkite, @AdoptionUK, , @TACTCare, @PACUKadoption @AdoptionSocial
Some of the families I work with also tell me there are some really useful and supportive groups on Facebook regarding being a foster carer or adopter and on supporting people to parent therapeutically.
Taking some time for you
I think this is the one that parents and carers struggle with the most, maybe it feels too self-indulgent? Selfish? As the story goes, you have to put on your own oxygen mask before putting the child’s on so that is exactly what I am recommending! In her book ‘The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting’ (see Reading List) Sally Donovan talks about ‘Taking a me holiday’ in one of her chapters. Do you have anyone that can take the kids out for a couple of hours? Are there any activities they can attend (For example, After Adoption run some specific camping activities and other groups for young people that have been adopted) or can you force yourself to step over the pile of washing or ignore the dishes when they are at school and have some well-earned ‘You’ time? Maybe go for a walk, dust off that book you’ve been meaning to read for months or go to a new evening class. Whatever will help you to connect with yourself and your needs again (even if it’s for a short time). Some people also find specific techniques such as Mindfulness helpful in building their own resilience to challenges that occur within their lives.
Seeking professional support
Sometimes we can struggle so hard for so long that the feelings of sadness, anxiety and hopelessness can become overwhelming. If this is the case, please reach out and rest assured you are most certainly not alone. Contact your supervising social worker or adoption social worker. Is there any further support they can offer you (practical or emotional)? Could your GP be of any help to you? GPs have good access to counselling now.
Do you feel you need some support in caring for your child? Alternatively, you may feel that your child would benefit from a therapeutic intervention. If you are an adopter in England, the Adoption Support Fund (ASF) is available for you to access.
Please remember that you are doing a great job, to the absolute best of your abilities! Make sure you are looking after you too.