“My Child Flies Away” – Dissociation

“My child flies away somewhere and I don’t know where she goes or what she’s doing!”

This was one of the comments a foster carer made to me when we were thinking about the little girl who had come to live with her 6 months ago. The carer described that at times “Milly” would seem to go off somewhere in her mind, seem absent, “zone out”, and her eyes would look a little glazed. I spoke with the carer about dissociation and how I wondered if this might be what Milly was experiencing. The carer had lots of questions: What is dissociation? Does my child dissociate? What triggers are there? When will it happen? What can I do to help?

These were fantastic questions and they led me to wonder how many other foster carers and adopters would wonder about this for their children. Needless to say, I wanted to be able to share my thoughts on this area and couldn’t think of a more useful way than via our fabulous PAFCA website! So, I will use my foster carers questions to offer a psychological perspective on dissociation coupled with what parents/carers can practically do to help a child they think might be experiencing dissociation.

What is Dissociation?

Dissociation is the brain’s very clever way of protecting a child from harm, threat or distress. During times of trauma especially extreme or prolonged trauma, a child’s brain becomes unable to manage everything. It becomes unable to think clearly, to manage the horrific feelings brought about from the trauma and doesn’t know how to cope with it all. The part of the brain which is usually in charge of all this shuts down and instead, cleverly uses dissociation to help the child to cope. By dissociating or unconsciously going off elsewhere in their mind…….to “fly away”, it provides the child with the psychological and emotional safety they so desperately need to be able to mentally escape all the danger and trauma.

Does my Child Dissociate?

So, what signs of dissociation can you look out for to see if your child might be dissociating? ……well there are many! A child may show some or all the following:

• Seeming absent from themselves – separating their conscious state
• “Zoning-out”
• Not paying attention
• Have a glazed look in their eyes
• Limited communication
• Physically being still like a statue
• Day dreaming
• Becoming completely absorbed
• Blocking out senses such as seeming unresponsive/numb to touch, not hearing spoken words
• May seem disconnected from their feelings or quickly shift between emotions
• Seeming to unconsciously separate parts of themselves
• Use different voices or personas at times of dissociation, they may seem to forget things or lack memory of what’s occurred

Children may dissociate at lots of different times or just occasionally. They may dissociate for a few seconds or for extended periods. The child’s experience may be different for them at different times so it’s important that parents can be mindful and open to the possibility that their child might “fly away” at any time.

*It’s important to note that many of the signs may also be indicators of other things so if you are concerned about your child’s presentation in any way, always seek medical advice from a healthcare professional.

What triggers are there?

There may be triggers to when your child dissociate, these are specific to each child and their experiences.

• It can be useful to think about your own child’s trauma experiences and how these might link to times of dissociation. For example, if a child has had experiences of witnessing domestic violence in their past, it’s possible that things which appear to mirror or link to this in the present e.g. loud noises or arguing, may act as a trigger for the child and link them straight back to that scary time. Those triggers can also be almost imperceptible to another person (e.g. a smell, a song or a shade of light). The feelings and thoughts then become too much to consciously bear so the child’s brain copes by helping them to separate themselves from their senses.
• Flashbacks of trauma experiences or intrusive thoughts that pop into the child’s mind can also trigger dissociation. In the same way as adults, children have no control over what thoughts pop into their mind. These thoughts may be an abusers “voice” telling them they are bad or the child “seeing” their abuse as though watching it on a movie in their mind (flashback). These flashbacks and intrusive thoughts are likely to feel terrifying for the child which in turn, might trigger dissociation.

When will it happen?

Dissociation can occur at any time for a child but there are particular things/times which are likely to increase the chances of dissociation:

• If a child feels frightened, anxious or scared
• Things in the present that could link to their historical trauma experiences e.g. raised voices, night times, pain, touch, sounds, separation from carers
• At any time a child feels unable to manage their emotions
• Times of high stress or if the child perceives stress

What can I do to help?

There are lots of things as a parent that you can practically do to help your child if they are dissociating:

• When you notice your child is dissociating it can be helpful to gently and gradually bring them back from the dissociation and into the present. Sometimes it might feel too direct or abrupt to use words at this point so you might want to use some non-verbal methods such as sitting down next to them or placing a soft blanket on them. At other times, it might feel ok to offer a gentle touch, or a soft tapping for example, on their hand or arm.
• When you feel able to use words it’s really important that you help them to make sense of what’s happened for them as they can’t do this. You can do this by narrating for them or talking for them using a calm, empathetic voice. Here your job is to make some guesses out loud about what’s happening for example,
• “Oh Tommy, mummy noticed you floated off somewhere in your mind then, I wonder if that’s because it’s night time and I know night times can feel scary for you. Night time was a really scary time before wasn’t it? It makes sense that you might feel scared because of that. I’m sorry night times were so frightening for you”

“I think you flew away then, sometimes when you have big feelings, they can feel too big. That’s tough, daddy knows that’s tough”

“That was a big noise, I wonder if you felt very scared all at once from that noise. That makes sense to mummy because there have been lots of times in the past when big noises have meant that bad things were happening. I’m so sorry you felt worried and scared”

One of your aims is to allow your child to experience you as the safe, empathic person who can help them to regulate how they feel and make sense of what’s happened. As part of this its important to try to understand the causes of their dissociation, to do this you can “try to get into their world” for example, think about what might their dissociation link to? What might they be feeling at the time? What might the triggers be? How has their past linked to this? What message do I want to give my child when I’m helping them with this? How can I show them this?

Offering an empathic response like in the examples given earlier shows the child that you are able to offer an understating of what’s happening for them in their mind, this helps them to feel that you are attuned to them, you “get them”, you can help with this, you can help them make sense of this, you care.

You can also help your child to regulate their emotions when you spot that they are having difficulty, this might be through a breathing technique, offering some bi-lateral techniques (these are a rhythmic, re-occurring pattern such as tapping from left to right on one shoulder then the other to help with regulation), use some self-regulation techniques such as drinking through a straw to focus concentration, sucking on a lollipop, chewing carrot sticks all help to encourage regulation.

At a later point you might want to explore the dissociative experience with your child as part of you both understanding what’s happening. Here you might talk to them about what it feels like to dissociate? You could encourage your child to write or draw their experience. You might help them:

“Where did Tommy go earlier when he flew off, can you draw this for me?”

“What does it feel like in your Zone Luke?”

There are several therapeutic books that can help you as a parent to explore dissociation with your child:

Rob the Robin and the Bald Eagle by Madge Bray
Alex and the scary things by Moses and MacEachern
And one of my favourites:

“What a Muddle” by Van der Hoech and Marks: