There is no escaping the rapid advances in technology, social media and a young person’s online world in recent years. For our children born into this world as digital natives they are the recipients of these changes, immersed into an always connected, screen-focused, switched on world. For parents and professionals, or digital immigrants, born into the offline generation we have adopted their world, some of us with a passion; others feeling fearful and less confident. The rapid expanse of the digital world has led to research speculating how technology is changing the way children think and learn; does it affect brain development and neural connections?; does it influence social, emotional and communication skills? In an era where children are already born with a digital footprint the question is raised that if children are developing differently, should we be parenting differently?
We are parenting our digital children. For foster carers and adopters managing a child’s behaviour and presence online can lead to additional challenges with regards to managing, for example, contact issues and privacy, as well as following a risk assessment of their online activities.
Where do we start?
We need to start by exploring our own values, attitudes and feelings about the digital world. It is natural for us to make comparisons to our offline parenting (both as parents and as children). Yet our children have a seamless online/offline presence and often do not separate the two worlds as adults do. We see ‘e-safety’ and ‘keeping safe’; children see a continuous and overlapping world – after all they film themselves on their smartphones playing football in the park which is then uploaded to their You Tube channel via their 4G, or public Wi-Fi in a local fast food restaurant, and which they then share again when they get home. ‘Normal’ to them; we are still struggling with the logic.
By appreciating how we have embraced the digital world – do we have a sat nav or road atlas, phone book or smartphone contacts? Are we on Facebook, Instagram, What’s App? – we can try to see this from our child’s frame of reference.
To understand our child’s digital world we need to be part of it (something strongly advocated by Jim Gamble CEO at INEQE group). We need to use social media and appreciate the impact on our self-esteem by collecting ‘likes’, friends or followers; create our own avatar in a virtual world, to Google, blog, share or ‘Netflix and chill’ (ok, perhaps not the last one in the colloquial sense!)
This doesn’t mean we need to become experts. We can never know the ins and outs of every app but we need to show awareness and a genuine interest to our children. Ask them what they are using, what does it do, who are they talking to? With an awareness of the SMART rules of online safety and understanding of the overarching risks children may face online, show an interest, set up your own account if possible. We will never know every level on Minecraft, but a few cleverly placed questions will make our children think we do; “what tool are you using? Is that the iron ore? Are the creepers on this level?”
We need to adapt our digital parenting as we do offline. Try to assess the online world the same as we do the offline when making a parenting decision and especially as we teach our children to become more independent. If you have made a decision they are responsible enough to go play in the local park without adult supervision (you have judged that they can keep safe with crossing roads, being where they say they are, not talking to strangers for example). Make analogies with their digital world – what site are they going on, how they are staying safe, what they will do if they encounter something that makes them unsure.
The first time we teach a child to cross the road we are by their side – we stop, look and listen, the first time they use the kettle we are supervising, modelling, guiding step-by- step. It is the same online. Set up the privacy controls on their tablets alongside them, verify the settings, check they know the safety features – how to block report and tell. The THINK acronym is a useful starting point for setting up social media accounts at any age, as although most have a COPPA restriction of 13 years, many are designed for younger children with online chatting facilities (for example, Moshi Monsters, Club Penguin, GGG).
As with offline parenting a key aspect of online parenting is modelling. We know children learn from watching and copying our behaviour. Are we constantly on our phone or tablet at the dinner table?
Additional Challenges for Foster Carers and Adopters
For foster carers and adopters there are additional challenges in keeping children safe. We know that looked after children are likely to have experienced trauma before entering care and this makes young people more vulnerable online. Experiences prior to care may also make them more vulnerable and affect their resilience. There may be additional restrictions with a child’s privacy imposed by a court hearing or contact plans that can’t be made safe across social media. In these circumstances we need to consult with the child’s social worker and agree an individual plan.
However, the internet and social media can also create opportunities for looked after children, and for their carers and social workers to use this in the care plan. A child may have birth relatives that are too far away for face-to-face contact, but who they can safely communicate with via Skype or social media. A child may prefer to communicate with you via text message or a messenger app to tell you how they are feeling and many local authorities have now signed up to the MOMO app to consult with their children looked after.
A new idea emerging is digital life story work (BAAF 2013) and how a child’s online world can be used to create a life story to track events, people, places and experiences.
In summary, digital parenting is about creating and supporting resilience in a seamless online/offline world for our children. Children face risks in day to day life, walking to school, playing out with friends. These do not automatically mean harm and we consider our child’s ability to learn through these experiences, manage these risks and be resilient. Although it may be tempting; preventing access to the internet at home or professing our ignorance with technology (and perhaps delegating anything technical to a friend/ sibling), does not protect children. Most young people now own a smartphone or other internet enabled device and with almost universal public Wi-Fi, a child can assess the internet should they wish. But doing this in secret is more likely to result in risky behaviours and a child feeling they can’t talk openly if something upsets them online. A child needs to know they have a stable, secure parent, both online and offline – digital parenting.